


To understand it I have to kill it

by Vegx



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, F/M, M/M, Plot, Two Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-09-29 19:49:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10142672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vegx/pseuds/Vegx
Summary: Love is a disease a cancer, that’s why he decided to end it all“You are truly a coward!” She says with the sweetest voice laughing a little at the end “That’s why you broke up with  him , you are the greatest coward I know.”He can’t remember when was the last time that someone had managed to shut him up like this. He really doesn’t know what to say for the first time because He is afraid. Orihara Izaya is truly afraid that some mere human had seen so clearly into him.Two shot





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, my first language is not english. There may be mistakes if someone wants to beta read this two shot it will gladly be appreciated

 

The cold wind hits his faces as he opens the door to the balcony. He holds his lighter in his right hand and takes  one cigarette with the other. He walks towards the edge  enjoying the view he got from Izaya’s apartment. As he watch the city he slowly gets lost in his thoughts. School was now over , and he had absolutely no idea of what to do with his fucked up life. Should he keep studying or search for a job he could finally keep? Start a business? 

The sound of a door sliding distracts him, he takes a puff from his cigarette realising the smoke and watches as it swirls in front of him. He can feel Izaya next to him, probably babbling some nonsense as always. He was in no mood to discuss with the man tonight so he simply ignored him or at least tried to.

“...I’m tired” Is the last thing the information broker says, Shizuo would most of the time ignore the shit Izaya has to say, but the tone and the smile in the man’s face makes him suddenly incredible nervous.His gaze is now fixed in the informant standing next to him. A vicious smirk adorning the other’s one's lips.

“So what” He replies ignoring the bastards face , he sense something is terribly wrong The air feels heavy with tension  and he can help but get a little anxious. He regrets not paying attention to the informant before.

“I’m tired of you” Izaya says flatly.

No bullshit no lies behind those eyes. Shizuo reminds terrible still. He can hear the tobacco slowly burning down. He stares at Izaya in disbelief  hoping for this to be a lie another sick game but he only sees determination in him. No hint of hesitation.He hopes and waits for izaya to laugh and say he was fucking with him but instead...

“What are you waiting? Get out of here” It hurts. Shizuo had experience lot of physical pain in the past but nothing had hurt this bad . He feels like suffocating.His untouched cigarettes has burn down completely. He can fill the tobacco burning down his skin but doesn’t care. He doesn’t say anything he simply walks out not glancing back. He is twisting the handle of the apartment's door when he hears the informant speak “Come for your things tomorrow or i'll throw them away” Shizuo can hear a hint of amusement in Izaya’s voice and he shuts the door with all his force.Probably breaking down the goddamn door.

-o-

He never goes back for his things . In fact he had been locked in his apartment for the whole week.For both his safety and the safety of the city. He doesn't know if he is sad or angry or both. Emotions is somethings he sucks at. Never had know how to deal with them, and certainly he won’t get any better,at least not now. In fact he is angry with himself for been so stupid to stay near someone like Izaya. He should have known better, why did he bother to stay in that sick relationship for so long. Was he scared of loneliness? Maybe he was, or maybe he was a stupid masochist. He feels the urge to punch himself and give a self induced coma. But that would not solve his emotional problems so instead he makes his way to the fridge and growls as he is greeted with an empty fridge.

He was  so used to staying at Izaya’s apartment that his own was dirty and looked almost abandoned. 

No food on the fridge and what  remained was no edible at all besides he had lost  appetite since that damn day and had spent most of his days dozing off and smoking cigarettes until he fell asleep.

Sighing in defeat he lies down in the couch staring at his apartments roof . He grabs a pack of cigarettes and lights the last one, relaxing as the nicotine invades his lungs. He is almost finishing his cigarette when he hears a soft knock on his door but refuses to get up. No one was supposed to be bothering him. His brother usually calls when he decides to pay him a visit. 

He hears a second knock again and stands up with a lot of effort . He opens the door to find Tom looking at him worriedly. “You look like shit”

“Thanks” he sighs and lets Tom in. “I brought you food”the brunette says unwrapping  a chocolate cake and a gallon of milk. Shizuo arcs and eyebrow waiting for the brunette to explain his sudden visit .Tom gives a side smile

“I haven’t seen you around and got worried, seems I wasn’t mistaken “

Tom looks at him searching for an answer he knows would never have. He sighs and leans on the kitchen’s table. “Is it true?” As expected the blonde evades the question

“Do you happen to have cigarettes? I have none left...”

Tom sighs.

“I bought you some” Shizuo grabs the packet and  starts lighting one mumbling his thanks

“Would you ever quit?”

“I dunno” he takes a puff shruggin

“You started smoking because of him.”

Yes. He had  heard Izaya hated the smell of it and in hopes that  the flea would never get  near him he started this horrendous habit . A childish and stupid decision.

“Don’t  even bring the flea up”

“So it’s true” Shizuo’s eyes narrow his whole body stiffening. How did Tom knew? Like reading his mind his friend answers “You are two well known men in Ikebukuro , Izaya has been seen alone for the whole week. Even flirting with some kid...”

Shizuo doesn't says anything but Tom clearly sees he is affected by the information. “When was the last time you ate something?”

“I don’t know, Monday….”

“It’s friday Shizuo! Look you can go on like this. Izaya is a bastard forget about him! Someday you will find a nice per-”

“Shut up!” He snaps. Tom flinches at the action. The blond sighs defeated hating himself even more for that.

“I’m sorry” the blond apologies, passing a hand through his locks.Tom brings and apologetic hand into his friend's shoulder. “Don’t do this to you Shizuo. You deserve better.” 

“He was the only one who understood” His voices fills almost broken and Tom almost panics. Never in his life had he seen Shizuo looked so devastated.

“Understood what?”

__

_ How to love a monster. _

 

_ -0- _

 

Two weeks  passed and since he hadn't called to work he was obviously fired. The cherry on top of his shitty month. Not only was he sulking like a heartbroken school girl but he had also disappointed his little brother. He had been looking for a job but his bad reputation had only led him to closed doors. He was desperate, the rent was not going  to pay itself. But  again somehow his brother was aware of his unemployment and found him a job as a bartender. He swore  that this was going to be his last job. He could not let down the only person that love him in this world.

 

-o-

 

The worst of his job was  his schedule, working late at night was leaving him really tired.But he was glad his new job had somehow took him out of his depression.  It was so demanding that he had no time to think about Orihara Izaya anymore. He grabbed the uniform that his brother has so kindly brought to him and was fixing his bow tie when he heard a knock. 

Surely it was Tom, he had promised to visit him and walk together to the bar even had some drinks and chat. He walked at the door greeting Tom with a smile on his face. Just to stop and drop dead as he saw the person standing on his apartment door. It was him. Orihara Izaya with his trademark smirk on his face. Shizuo thought he had forgotten all the emotions and bullshit, but just seeing the man in front of him was almost unbearable.

“Shizuo-chan” He sings passing past the blonde and inviting himself in. The blond only stares at him and closes the door quietly. Gripping his pants pockets with force. Careful not to tear it down. Izaya heads to the kitchen leaning on the counter like he owns the place .Bloodshot eyes looking at Shizuo intently. 

The blond shifts nervously as he feels those piercing eyes roaming his body.

“You look  handsome wearing that, you have a new job?”

“Is not any of your damn business” He snaps

“Ouch, such venom” He makes a dramatic gesture with his hands as he walks towards him,with that confidence of him. His steps gracefully and seductive, his smile filled with venom.

“So rumor says,” he is now in front of the blond their lips almost touching he continues and whispers “you were sulking like a pathetic idiot and that…”he waits for the blond to show emotion” ... make you lost your previous job”  He whispers in the blonde's ears. Shizuo release a breath he didn’t know he was  holding and grips the kitchens counter where he is trapped.

“So pathetic, aren’t you?”

“I’m not!”

“But you are” his smiles widens and the poisoness of his voice too. “That’s what got me tired,” Izaya touches his arm and leans against him”you are such a love depraved creature that seeks and craves for comfort and love desperately… and now you suffer for no one will ever give you what you want the must”

He can feel the man’s lips near him,the blond  reminds terrible still trying to hold a mask. He would never dare show weakness in front of him. “ Shizuo, do you know?” He whispers in his ear” You were a toy…. an experiment I planned just for fun, I was bored. I never loved you.I didn’t even like  _ you _ ...”

Shizuo feels something breaking inside him and  his heart stops. A primal feeling of hate.

Lies

It was all lies their kisses, the sex everything. He only sees red and those bloodshot eyes looking down a t him.

Izaya laughs triumphantly “You fool” He is laughing hysterically tears forming on the corners of his eyes  with a quivering voice between laughs he continues “Did you really thought someone would ever love someone like  _ you? _ You are a best  _ Shizuo,  _ and one that would die all  _ alone _ …”

He know this feeling of loss of control. He had experienced a few times on his life. Once he was blinded by fury he only acted. Reason was thrown out of the window. In a blink of an eye he throws a lethal punch to the informants face. Izaya barely dodges it. The blow landing on his shoulder sending him flying to the opposite wall.

Shizuo tumbles towards him, a murderous eyes on his handsome face. Izaya sick smirk widens as he watches how blinded Shizuo is with fury.He runs towards the door escaping to the outside world.

Not seconds laters he hears Shizuo’s murderous screams. A glance back confirms it ,the blond is  following destroying everything standing on his way.

“IZAYA!” he screams.

_ That's right Shizuo follow me... and only me.  _

After his  fight to death with the flea he arrives late at his shift and his boss is clearly pissed.  One of his  sleeves is completely ruined. And he gots reprimed for it too, he say some forced apologies and attends his chores.

He can hear his boss murmuring something to the other bartender. Probably talking shit about him . He hates his boss for he is a dick, a greedy fat man and proves that night how much of a bastard he is as he harrasses a young  customer in the bar’s entrance. Shizuo is drying some wine cups and breaks one when he sees his boss rudely touching the other girl. The blond sees the terror and disgust on the young girl and he completely loses its when he sees his boss smirking at the suffering of another being.  _ Just like Orihara Izaya did _ . He doesn’t think. He punches the shit out of him. Sending him flying to the end corner of the bar . As the anger disappears and leaves him with a clean mind . Reality hits him. He had fucked up, he had for sure lost his job. And it was that damn fleas fault!

  
Tom visits him again . The blond is covered in sweat his shirt torn completely. Blood stains adorning the blond’s skin and shirt.

He knew Shizuo was back at destroying the whole city down.Tom had missed the days of peace but  it was a price he would gladly payed rather than Shizuo dating that idiotic informant. 

Since then Shizuo had improved throw the weeks. He was not depressed  anymore but... he was now constantly pissed. He snapped at the smallest things and completely lose it when he saw or heard something that reminds him of Orihara izaya .

“You can continue like this” Shizuo growls, giving a side glance to his friend “You are constantly on edge”

“I’m gonna kill him.I’m gonna kill him for sure. I have lost everything because of him.”

“That bartender job was all your damn fault!” Tom says exasperated “Look Shizuo. I just want to help you! Going in this path of hatred and revenge would lead you nowhere”

“Is the least I can do! Someone need to teach that damn flea to never fuck with people again” Shizuo sits down aggressively  next to  Tom, the old couch almost breaking from the force. Tom yelps at the sudden movement but reminds sitting quietly waiting for his best friends answer. “Truth is I need a job, and I am sure as hell no one would hire me”

“I’ll hire you” Tom stays. Shizuo looks perplexed

“Tom, be serious I don’t want our friendship ruined, what if I totally lose it?”

Tom smiles “Well you see, that would be perfectly fine, your job would be protecting me and sometimes bring sense to those customers who refuses to pay a debt”

“You are serious?” 

“Never before have been more serious”

“Fine” Shizuo mumbles “but the bartender suit stays”

 

-o-

 

This city is strange. the people , the noise, the smell the weather is unfamiliar. Everything is out place. She doesn’t like the city. It’s boring there is nothing to entertain her.All she can do is walk and observe with her hand around her helmet, holding it firmly under her arm. 

Her eyes scans the area she has reached.This street didn’t looked familiar to her either. 

She was lost, with no idea as how to return to the parked truck. She sighs and takes his phone to call Sloan but then she hears it.

People are screaming and there is an outburst of sounds coming from the other street. She runs towards it and when she reaches the street she is greeted with the strangest view. There is a vending machine flying and  loudly falling in the other side of the street. People are running away from the stupor and he hears a murderous scream

“Izaya!” At the distance she spots a blond man obviously pissed wearing a Bartender suit. His face showing pure fury. He is taking with one single hand a sign post and releasing it from the concrete with no effort. A loud crack is heard as the material crumbles and the man moves forward trying to hit a black haired guy who keeps laughing at him. She doesn’t realise she is breathless. Time had seem to stops as he sees the blond guy fighting with animalistic strength. Her heartbeat accelerates and she smiles. She needs to fight him. She need to prove herself. She must defeat him.

  
_ I must defy him. _


	2. 2

Izaya had missed Ikebukuro falling to the ground. It felt like almost yesterday when the Yellow Scarves incident had happened. And now gangs were back at  tearing the shit out of them. 

It was fun ,it was so fun!. He had been bored out of his mind with the peace that had lasted for so long. He hated peace full days just as much as he hated weakness. And off course Shizuo Heiwajima

 

As a man who has been an observer for so long he can easily see through people and know what are they truly feeling. Most people are clear as water and predictable. Must humans are,  and then they are those who are completely unpredictable.  _ Like Shizuo-chan. _

 

The man must of the time never acted as Izaya expected and wasn’t that fascinating? He could read most people in the world. But Heiwajima Shizuo was a mystery for him. 

But then again he was no human but a beast. A beast that had stayed on his side for almost a year. The thought sickened him. That year had been a completely waste. He had turned almost soft almost let himself feel what all that people called  _ love _ . But Izaya knew better. He was not capable of feeling such irrational feelings and to prove himself he had ended all. 

 

The sound of the door lock takes him out of his thoughts and he sees Namie entering the apartment. Izaya smiles and gets up from his sit grabbing some of the cellphones on his desk, then walks towards the door. 

 

“Are you going to pick a fight with Shizuo again?” Namie says amused

 

“Aw Namie san ..I'm just getting for a walk you see?”

 

“You are just going  to provoke him in a fight, you are so obsessed with him” A smirk that almost puts his own to shame  appears on Namie’s face “Or should i say...in love with him.” Izaya tries his hardest not to show any emotion at the words. 

 

“Love?” he giggles  “Like the sick thing you feel for that brother of yours? How did it feel Namie? Giving everything for that person you love and then he betrayed you. Forgetting even that you existed. You are truly pathetic…love has the power to make you that weak” Izaya expects to see Namie’s angry face but she is smiling like she knows something and Izaya is unsettled.Losing his cool facade.

 

“You are truly a coward!” She says with the sweetest voice laughing a little at the end “That’s why you broke up with   _ him _ , you are the greatest coward I know.”

 

He can’t remember when was the last time that someone had managed to shut him up like this. He really doesn’t know what to say for the first time because, he is afraid. Orihara Izaya is truly afraid, that some mere human had seen so clearly into him.

 

* * *

 

He decided to arrive home until Namie had left, he felt sick just looking at her. He had ended all jobs in the Shinjuku area so he was slowly making his way to Ikebukuro. As he walked down he could hear his beloved humans whispering as he passed by. 

_ Oh he knows! _

He and Shizuo had been the gossip of the city for months.

He being the cruel bastard who had destroyed poor Shizuo’s heart and turned him to the Ikebukuro’s beast again.

 

But those gossips had ended weeks ago what had changed this time? He truly missed some piece of informations as to why people were looking at him as he just had lost a game  and was walking the road of shame. He suddenly felt out of place and had the urge to run away from all of it. But he decided to ignore it. Nobody looked down on him.

 

Making a turn in an alley he could clearly hear the beast murderous voice. “Damn you!” The shout was followed with the sound of objects crashing down. Izaya ran towards the destruction wondering who had been the idiot to piss Shizuo-chan so much. He expected as always to see a terrified poor bastard pleading for his life but there in the middle of the chaos stood a young woman wearing a motorcycle suit. She was just standing there not a hint of fear on her pretty face.

For the average person the girl would look rather expressionless. Almost like Kasuka. But Izaya could tell that she was enjoying the fight and that she was damn excited about it. 

 

Shizuo’s weapon was a sign street as always, the other girl holding a sword on his hands. 

 

The debt collector was breathing heavily trying his best to relax.

The blonde stares at the woman  trying to focus, she didn't seem like a threat and decides to give up on this stupid fight . He relaxes the grip he had on the poster but then the girl throws a knife at him. He blinks surprised.

“Huh?”

All the people around them grew quieter waiting for the worst. Shizuo looks down, seeing the object piercing his clothes and skin, and watches quietly as the blood starts pouring down his wound. He looks relaxed but Izaya knows is just the calm before the storm.

He removes his sunglasses  and in a calm voice says.

 

” You know...I’m not into hitting woman”And then he finally snaps,”but you better be ready for me to crush that expensive-looking helmet between my fingers! DAMN YOU! “ Shizuo  gives an animalistic growl as he picks up the woman’s bike throwing it to the air and almost knocking the girl down. The woman evades it and turns around running towards Izaya's direction. The beast following closely behind. 

Shizuo is so blinded by fury that doesn’t even notices that his most hated enemy is standing close behind him. The blonde runs past Izaya repeating  the world crush her like a mantra as he follows the young woman down the street.

 

As the beast and the foreign woman disappear in the corner of the street Izaya can feel all of Ikebukuros eyes on him. 

 

_ You have been replaced _ . They say.

After that Izaya returns two more times to Ikebukuro to be greeted by the same sight. Shizuo chasing down that stupid woman. The sight sickens him. No one was supposed to challenge the blond but him. No man in the city had the guts to stand fearless in front of Shizuo but him. 

 

But she was no man, and she was not from this city. Orihara Izaya hated that bastard of a woman. She was gonna make that woman pay.

 

The third time Izaya returns to Ikebukuro he is greeted with the most unpleasant sight ever. He was walking down the park when he spotted the blond smoking a cigarette and sitting on a bench. He had to look twice to see if he was Shizuo. His bartender clothes were gone. The blonde was wearing black pants and a blue t shirt looking very relaxed puffing  at his cigarette and exhaling the smoke, Makin ‘0’ patterns with it. The man looked pretty damn happy and Izaya hated that. He should be a mess. A pathetic idiot begging for comfort. The urge and need  to end that disgusting scene is almost overwhelming and as he is  about to shout the beast’s name but stops dead on his tracks as he sees a beautiful smile appearing in Shizuo’s face. 

The blond stands to face a woman . She looks rather ashamed a blush appearing in her  face when the blond says something to her.

 

Izaya feels like suffocating, the buildings of the city are closing around him. And then Shizuo lifts his hand and pets her blonde hair tenderly. The girl giggles. Something breaks inside him.

 

The girls takes Shizuo’s hand on her and they start walking. Like they were a happy couple. 

 

_ Pathetic _

 

Izaya thought he knew Shizuo but he was wrong, the beast has done something so unpredictable and Izaya is utterly perplexed. 

He was sure Shizuo would be there for him always. The beast was meant to run after him  _ always _ , he should have stay being a pathetic idiot begging for his attention like the stupid dog he is. 

 

He starts laughing, receiving weird looks from the people around him. He walks away from there, entering a dark alley. He feels like throwing, something is throbbing deep inside him. 

 

_ I don’t understand, why...why why. I can’t understand! _

 

His thoughts are a  mess he feels like maggots are eating his insides. He was a man of reason. He knew how to control his emotion but his feelings were crushing him down. He had trapped them and locked them for so long that they were overflowing him. Crushing him with all their power. 

 

He falls to his knees as the pain get worse and worse. A hysterical laugh escapes  him and he touches his face . “No…” he murmurs, he touches his face a second time not accepting the wetness in his fingertips

”No….” 

And at the third he sighs defeated. Tears falling down his face . He remembers Shizuo smile and his owns becomes more venous. 

He throws a punch to the ground when he remember the blonde caressing that other girl

 

_ I’m gross, i become like this because of him.  _

_ I can’t understand it, and to do so...I have to kill him. _

* * *

One night Izaya decided to end it all. One last move in his game. If Izaya can have Shizuo no one would. He arrives at the blond apartment in seconds . He stands still in front of the door for minutes.He considers knocking but prefers having fun and taking a knife he unlocks the door. Just to be greeted by the sight of and empty apartment. A thin cape of dust covering the floor. He stands there for minutes. He knew better. He was an informant and yet he had not bother to check at all if the man was still living here. He had assumed and Izaya knew assumptions always led to terrible consequences. A hand lands on his shoulder and he jumps . He gives a slash and jumps backwards.

 

“What are you doing here?” 

 

“Vorona” Izaya’s smirks widen . 

 

“I've been following  and observing your behavior for some time now. I know you did it”

 

“Did what?” Izaya ask innocently smiling with all the venom he has at her.Vorona closes the door behind her and calmly walks towards him . She aims for Izaya’s legs trying to push him to the floor. But the informant is quick and avoids the hit. He almost loses his balance but he regains it quickly just to be greeted with  the barrel of a gun on his forehead.He reminds terrible still trying his hardest not to show any fear at her.

 

“All this months you have been framing, harassing and trying to make Shizuo’s life miserable, I know it was you”

 

Izaya gives a small laugh “That’s a horrible accusation!”

 

“Violent and screw up things is 99% likely to involve you”Vorona says in a low voice with an expressionless facade, her voice robotic as always.

 

“You are protecting him from the evil Izaya , right?” The girls doesn’t react to his provocations and just barely arcs a brow at him.

 

“ You really love him? I was hoping that you were toying with him. Like the dog he is” He can see how Vorona's slits narrow at his words“Love makes people do crazy things don’t you think?” Izaya looks straight at her eyes defying her. but the girl does not hesitates she reminds with an expressionless face. Only her eyes showing her hatred towards this man

 

“I know what you think about him” She says with a flat tone, and he hates it. “He doesn’t deserve to be loved, for his a monster... a beast”

 

“Indeed Vorona. Is the first time you say something intelligent. I hope that brain of yours is not toring down for all the effort”

 

“You think you know me?” She asks a small smile forming on the corner of her lips

 

Izaya laughs “I do, I know you are a coward , weak  a pathetic thing with a load of daddy issues, seeking for approval in the wrong way and in the wrong places I know you wouldn't dare pulling that trigger for you will gain the disapproval of someone you love” He really expects Vorona to take the bait and loss her control but instead of an answer he is greeted with another question. Izaya is surprised. Was this girl unpredictable as Shizuo?

 

“Do you want to know why I love Shizuo? “ Izaya is unsettled by the change of tone in her voice . It’s like something had snap inside her and she is now made of pure killing blind fury. A expression he has faced several times in his fights with the ex-bartender

 

“Because compared to him and you” She presses the gun harder to the informants forehead, where sweat is starting to form ” I’m the biggest monster of them all” She smiles and then...

 

“Jaque Mate” She says with that robotic tone of hers that Izaya detests.

* * *

 

 The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are very much welcomed  
> Remember english is not my 1st language, so they may been mistakes
> 
> Thanks for following this two shot

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it!  
> comments and kudos are very welcome!
> 
> Adios!


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